致Mr.Tan的一封信,给你我最深的敬意
就是生死| September 28, 2020临终关怀 冯以量 生死 
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Mr. Tan去世了。为了悼念他,在他出殡后的那个晚上,我写了一封英文信件给不谙中文的他。这一封信,我曾念给队友们听。现在我试着翻译,和你们分享。 我是这样写的……

Mr. Tan:

你曾经在临终关怀中心里住了将近14个月,
你并不想活得这么久,你其实希望自己可以快点离开人间,
你在心中盼望着那些不曾来看你的家人们来探望你,
你需要我们的支持,这些我们都懂。

有些人说你很没有耐心、而且脾气暴躁,
有些人说你根本不需要服用这么多吗啡,
有些人说你很固执,坚持在病房里抽烟,
你是一个不受欢迎的病人,这些你都懂。

第一次我踏进你的病房,是因为听见你在啜泣,
你告诉我你最好的朋友就是陪在你身旁的那台氧气浓缩器,
没有人愿意听你说话,
你渴望别人能了解你,
你望着我的眼神流露出无尽的痛苦。

有那么一次,你梦见自己坐在一间火锅店里,
你告诉我,这间火锅店堆叠着你的童年及成年种种回忆。
在我们团队的齐心协力,我们好不容易让你心想事成,
我和你坐在你常坐的位置上吃着你再也熟悉不过的火锅料理,
当然我并没有忘记携带你的氧气浓缩器以及你的轮椅,让它们和我一同陪着你。

那是你第一次敞开心扉和我说出有关你的生命故事。
当你诉说着你破碎的婚姻,你对我说:“很多时候,我都觉得自己是对的。可是,现在看回去,所有的对的都是错的。”我没有想到这一句话影响我这么深远。这一句话不仅仅教导了我不要带着有色的眼光去看人,也不要带着批判的语气去对待我身边的人们。

那一年的平安夜,我推着坐在轮椅的你去浏览安宁中心及医院的各个角落,送你回到病房之际,你送了我一个好大的食品礼篮。

你对我说:“以量,你一定要把这礼物给收下。这是一个有关给予及接受的季节。你不能只是一直给予我们关怀,你也要懂得接受我们给你的关怀。”我对你的这番话语及这份心意很感动、很感动。

你身体愈来愈衰退而逐渐开始展现的死亡症状,我们都看在眼里。
你也并没有因此而刻意隐藏你对死亡的焦虑及恐惧。
你对生命表达后悔,
你对关系寻求宽恕,
你感谢所有协助你走过最后这一里路的医疗人员们。

最后的最后,你鼓气勇气打电话给你的两位女儿,希望他们来看你。他们也来了……

你在3月5日晚上九点去世了。

我出席你的葬礼。在你的女儿们的陪同之下,我看见你安详地躺在棺木里。这神情让我想起每当你在病房感觉孤单及焦虑时,你都会持诵慈悲观。我当下就在桌上拿起写着慈悲观的纸张,再一次念给你听:

“Mr. Tan,

愿你无敌意、无危险,
愿你无精神上的痛苦,
愿你无生理上的痛苦,
愿你喜悦地照顾着自己。

谢谢你,Mr. Tan.”

念完后,我合掌、鞠躬,给你我最深的敬意。

你教会我不要争辩生活上的对与错。 如果人与人之间有更深的连接,大部分的难题都可以迎刃而解。陪伴你的过程,说实话,我的收获早已远远超过我的付出。

谢谢你用你的生命来教会我什么是慈悲及宽恕。Mr. Tan,珍重。

给你我最深的祝福,
以量
3 月 8 日 晚上十点
P/S:再一次,感谢你在临终时愿意教导我如此真实的功课。

以下是英文原版信件:

Mr Tan.

You stayed in the hospice as a palliative care patient for nearly 14 months……
You didn’t choose to survive for so long. You wished you had a choice.
You had family members who visited you only in your heart……
You needed support to help you live before you could die……

Some said you were impatient and hot-tempered……
Some said you were taking more morphine than you needed……
Some said you were insistent on smoking in your room……

The first time that I entered your bed room, because I heard you sobbing.
You said your best companion was the oxygen concentrator……
You needed a listening ear……
You yearned for understanding of yourself……
You were suffering……

You decided dreamt of a Steamboat Restaurant……
A place that holds many memories for you since your childhood days……
Together, we made your dream come true……
We had steamboat dinner together at the exact table you as yearning for……
I didn’t forget to bring your oxygen concentrator and your wheelchair to accompany you too……

That was also the first time you decided to share about your family problems……
You reflected upon your failed marital relationship in one statement……
“Sometimes, you think that you are right. But, when you looked back, you might be totally wrong.” I didn’t expect this statement influenced me so much. It always alerts me not to make any bias and hurtful judgment about people around me.

It was Christmas Eve……
You gave me a big food hamper after I toured you around at the hospice and the hospital……
You said, “Yi Liang, you must receive this hamper from me. This is the season about receiving and giving. You can’t just always give your help to us; you also have to learn how to receive it from us.” This little caring action was extremely touching to me.

It was hard not to notice that you were deteriorating physically.
You did not attempt to hide your anxiety and fears of your impending death……
You spoke about regrets……
You spoke about seeking forgiveness……
You expressed heartfelt appreciation to the nurses, doctors and ward staff……

You finally found what you needed to call your two daughters to ask them to visit you. And they did……

You died on 9pm on 5 Mar.

At the funeral parlour, with the presence of your daughters, I saw you lying inside the coffin with a peaceful looking face. I recalled that you used to chant whenever you felt lonely and anxious. I picked up the paper of Metta Chant, and read up the scripture for you, again.

“Dear Mr Tan,

May you be free from enmity and danger,
May you be free from mental suffering,
May you be free from physical suffering,
May you take care of yourself happily.

Thank you, Mr Tan.”

After finishing the chanting, I slowly gave you a deep bow as my last tribute.

You taught me that there is little meaning in arguing about the “rights” or “wrongs” in life. Most of our problems in life can be resolved if there exists a deep human connection. With you, I have gained more than what I have given.

Thank you for using your life to teach me about Caring and Forgiveness……
Take care, Mr Tan.

Warmest Regards,
Yi Liang
8 Mar (10p.m.)
P/S:Once again, thanks for teaching me a real lesson while you were in pain and dying.

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